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I do not like OpenSSL. I do not!
I will not use it, not even a bit!
Not in a server, not in a shell,
Not in a place where the builds go to hell!
 
I tried it on Monday. I tried it on Tuesday.
By Wednesday morning, my brain had gone woozy.
Its code was a tangle, a twist, and a knot,
With a “simple” small change that was anything but!
 
There were functions on functions and layers on layers,
And macros in corners like uninvited mayors.
There were pointers to pointers to pointers that pointed
To code that three decades of patches had jointed.
 
There were headers and structs and a thousand odd names,
And five different ways to ignite the same flames.
There were old APIs, new APIs, deprecated calls,
And compatibility ghosts rattling around in the walls.
 
“Just use the new interface!” the wise coders cried.
So I opened the docs, and I nearly just died.
For the examples were ancient, the names had all changed,
And the code that once worked had been rearranged!
 
I had one little parser, quite tidy and spry,
That could gobble up certs with a blink of its eye.
It was lean, it was mean, it was perfectly neat—
Then they swapped it for molasses trudging down the street!
 
Now it lumbers and stumbles through layers of glue,
With a context for this and a provider or two.
It fetches and loads and consults its registry,
Then takes a short nap for cryptographic mystery.
 
And the locks! Oh, the locks! There are locks everywhere!
On the paths and the branches and thin slices of air!
A lock on a lock with a lock in between,
To protect some imaginary thread-safe machine!
 
Now my cores sit and wait while the mutexes squabble,
And my benchmarks look like a snail in a wobble.
“It's necessary!” they say. “There are reasons, you see!”
Then explain why my fast path needs a committee!
 
And the math geeks arrive with their papers and chalk,
With their proofs and their theorems and long, careful talk.
They can prove every prime has a marvelous place,
But the parser they shipped needs a map and a brace!
 
They can calculate curves in a fraction of time,
Yet the build system's tangled in branches and grime.
They can derive an equation that bends space and light,
But a clean, simple interface? Apparently, fright!
 
And the features! Oh, goodness! The features are gone!
I used them last Tuesday; today they're withdrawn!
“That's legacy baggage! That method must die!”
So I rewrite my code and I mutter, “Oh, why?”
 
They have engines and providers and methods galore,
Then they pull up the ladder and board up the door.
The old way is broken, the new way is strange,
And my weekend is spent on a version-change!
 
If I want to build software on some other machine,
The configure scripts conjure a circus routine.
With a linker that grumbles, a flag that is wrong,
And a missing dependency three screens long.
 
On Windows? On ARM? On a cross-compiled target?
Prepare for a build log that's longer than your market.
One library, five toolchains, ten options to try,
And a cryptic linker error that just says, “Nope. Bye.”
 
And the documentation! Oh, what a delight!
I read it all morning. I read it all night.
The answer was hiding in version three-point-whatever,
While the snippet I found was from the olden days' heather.
 
And don't get me started on memory and C,
Where a pointer gone wandering can ruin your week.
A buffer too small or a lifetime misread,
And the bug gets a CVE, a patch, and dread.
 
For crypto is tricky, and security's dear;
You need fewer surprises, not more of them here.
The mathematics might be flawlessly sound,
But the glue code's the place where the sharp edges abound.
 
Then comes the migration, the grand upgrade show:
“Just switch to version three! It will be easy, you know!”
The old code stops building, the new code complains,
And I spend three whole days chasing invisible chains.
 
I want no more spelunking through layers of lore,
No more hunting for symbols that aren't there anymore.
No more seventeen wrappers to encrypt one small byte,
No more locking the world just to make one thread right!
 
So I dreamed up a library, little and clear,
With an API simple enough to bring cheer.
With the features I need and no circus parade,
And a parser that doesn't need decades of aid.
 
It should build on my laptop, my server, my toaster,
Run rings round the old thing, and make benchmarks boast-er.
It should sip at the memory, fly through every test,
And be faster than OpenSSL—faster than the rest!
 
Not a smidge faster, mind you, not a fraction, not two—
It must absolutely obliterate version two!
And if it is slower by one tiny tick,
I'll declare the whole project a miserable trick!
 
It must handle the handshakes, the certs, and the keys,
Without making me grovel or beg on my knees.
It must make the safe choices the easy ones to take,
And not turn every code path to a security quake.
 
“But cryptography's hard!” all the wise people say.
“Yes, I know!” I reply. “That's why simplify the way!
I don't need a new theorem or a twenty-page proof;
I need a clean interface and a sound, sturdy roof!”
 
So away with the spaghetti, the lock-and-key maze,
The surprise API changes and documentation haze!
I'll choose a new toolkit, give the old one the boot,
And I'll measure each claim before calling it cute.
 
For I will not use OpenSSL just because it's been there.
I will test other options with sensible care.
If a library is simpler, secure, fast, and well-made,
Then that's where my time and my trust shall be laid.
 
And should someone ask me, “But why not OpenSSL?”
I'll smile, take a breath, and explain it quite well:
 
“Not in my next project! Not in my next build!
Not while there's a better design to be filled!
I've wrestled the beast, and I've paid every toll.
Now please pass the profiler—and give me control!”
 
And if my replacement should fail at its quest,
I'll test it, review it, and put it to test.
For hate is a start, but benchmarks decide—
And I'll keep my own bugs on the inside!